Want Healthier Relationships? Learn to Distinguish Expectations from Boundaries
I am going to admit it. I am 32 and single, and have no idea of what a perfect relationship looks like.
But then I don’t think anyone does.
What I do know is a bunch of stuff I’ve learned through personal ‘trial and error’.
It’s true what they say — failure can teach you more success!
I have devoured my fair share of information on the subject. Trying to understand how to create better relationships. Yearning to learn what is right, and where I’ve gone wrong.
Throughout my relationship ‘career’ (yes, I can provide a Resumé), and web-search history, I’ve learned this:
If you cannot disassociate expectations from clear boundaries, you will come unstuck. Every time.
Many people will spend their lives (and significant relationships) confusing the two. I know, because I have. Its so damaging in fact, I cannot believe it hasn’t been talked about more.
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Boundaries are necessary. They act as skin and bones holding you up, holding you together. They’re the structure of a healthy inner and outer world. The benchmark by which people enter, remain, leave, or are cast out of your life.
Expectations, conversely, are the sure path to misery. They’re stories we conjure with one successful outcome. All else is failure.
Yet expectations go hand in hand with hope. Who doesn’t want the very best in life? So I’ll qualify: Clinging to rigid expectation is where shit really hits the fan.
Defining Terms
Yes, boundary setting is a hot topic! And it is no small wonder why. Relationships are shape-shifters. Life happens, people grow, things change. While all this is happening, we receive well meaning but conflicting advice; be selfless; be more selfish. Somewhere amongst it all we’re formulating our basis for ‘good’ and ‘bad’ relationships.
Expectation is damaging, while boundaries are healthy. Both, however, offer a set of rules for these relationship categories. But it often feels so nebulous.
So! How do we go about separating them?
And what is the integration process?
Expectation is damaging, boundaries are healthy
My experience of expectation is in a narrowing of the world. In each story I conjure, there can only be one outcome in which I’ll be satisfied.
Boundaries feel broader, more inclusive, containing a rich array of possibilities.
Stating “my partner must drop everything and be there for me, whenever I need them” feels rather restricting. Failure to comply leads to a hollow feeling, often anxiety, even contempt.
However, saying, “my partner should exhibit care and concern for me”, allows room for movement. Boundaries take into consideration the larger world, understanding the struggles and responsibilities of others.
Conversely, you might expect that a partner should always share their deepest feelings with you. These thoughts are often formed with love, but can have damaging connotations. These expectations are often selfishly motivated, attached to status or how others perceive you.
A healthier boundary might be “we share things when we ready to talk about them”. Here, the understanding is implicit: Each person has their own timeframe and way of dealing with things.
Put simply: A boundary is a warm coat in winter. Expectation is a straightjacket.
Something else I have noticed: Expectations are often stories we keep to ourselves. Usually, we unleash our expectation stories on others after the fact. By that point we are usually furious. Setting boundaries encourages discussion, mutual empathy and respect.
Empathy is important, but here is a warning: Do not allow it to dominate your interaction in a relationship.
As the wonderful psychologist Dr Nicola LePera says, “I can empathise…and I still might choose to put a boundary within this relationship.”
Empathy For All
I have several times found myself with a partner who suffered greatly in their lives, and allowed them to treat me badly because of this.
After the initial glory phase with a recent ex, he began ignoring texts, not responding for days on end, then acting nonchalant about it. He had suffered some pretty big losses in the past, and was very independent as a result. I empathised with his situation. I felt it wasn’t my place to expect him to be who I wanted.
I began to abandon myself in order to not ‘rock the boat’. I also liked him very much, and I didn’t want to abandon him.
But I was miserable.
My empathy for him got in the way of my ability to see things clearly. I thought — in order to negate the pain — that I had to reject my expectations.
In my late twenties I did a lot of work on myself around past relationships. I have dated my fair share of idiots, but am not without sin. I’ve brought rigid expectations to the table in toxic ways. Things a partner should do for me, how they should behave. I have caused vicious arguments when my needs have not been met to the letter.
So, via some pretty decent soul-searching in my thirties, I went the other way. I pushed back, aiming to totally remove expectation from my psyche. It didn’t work either, and I nearly became a total doormat.
What I realize now is that my expectations — whilst selfishly motivated — were signposting my boundaries.
The core of the problem was this: I wanted more attention from my partner. That is not a crime.
Eventually, I did ask him to be more responsive. I even introduced the idea of a safe word. One he could text me if he needed to shut down for a while.
When things didn’t change still, I ended it.
What I learned to do was look deeply into my expectations and what they were trying to tell me. Only then could I separate the selfish desires from the self-protection I needed. In doing so I came to a happy conclusion.
And this is the integration.
Creating healthy boundaries takes time, energy and huge amounts of honesty. Aside from making relationships healthier, it is a self-care practice that fosters better mental health. This is built around separating expectations from boundaries, every day.
Navigating Difficulties
Still, if expectations aren’t met, or boundaries aren’t respected, the same feelings can well up inside: Fears of rejection or abandonment, disappointment or failure. Anger too. I feared rejection from my ex. I feared asking for too much, being too much. In the end it just made me mad. Mad enough to make a change, and respectful enough to eventually walk away.
There is no getting around it, not everyone will like your boundaries. But that is okay. Better to hold them close than lose them and become a doormat.
I don’t think we can ever truly remove expectation from our minds. But we can watch them, divining their root desires. Burning them down, rebuilding as boundaries.
It can be uncomfortable, often painful, work. Important work so often is.
We need to get used to this uncomfortable truth: Sometimes our needs will not be met, and boundaries trampled. Sometimes we will have to walk away to protect ourselves. But in the words of fellow Medium writer Haley Magee:
Learning to connect intellectually, whilst disconnecting emotionally, from expectations, we can pour our hearts into building healthy boundaries.
In holding true to your values, you hold your identity close. Your choices become simpler, because you have the rules of your own navigation.
Eternally Perfecting
Once upon a time, expectations were my enemy. But I know now that expectations and boundaries stem from the same primal place: A natural desire to have our needs met.
Through us, they work together. Listen to your desires, use them to set healthy boundaries. In doing so, we allow open communication, empathy and understanding.
Integrating is messy. It’s trial and error. But we can learn to love the mess! In doing so we can work with our friends, families and partners, looking to the root of expectation. We can help each other set better boundaries by looking into ourselves.
And here is what will make our relationships broader, more manageable and sustainable.
In maintaining our own boundaries, we can better understand and respect those of others.
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